urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:foreseeable and eventually you'll get it right throw away my misery, never meant that much to me 2006-10-10T21:57:52Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:foreseeable:3059 2006-10-10T21:52:53Z 2006-10-10T21:57:52Z I want to do something. Something being which I do not know what but I want to do something. <a name="cutid1"></a> I want to write until my fingers are tired and my brain can't think. I want to talk to people until my voice gets tired and wears out. I want to strip down my layers of self-protection and know the true being inside. I want to find out what truth is. I want to make a difference, convince people that fear stifles them, that freedom is the absence of fear. I want to help those I love and help them to realise that *yes* people hurt you *no* that doesn't make you broken. I want to make people think twice, to think in that split-second between one blink and another and open their eyes onto a world that they percieve differently. I want to do something crazy, walk around at 3am and wait for the snow to start to fall and appreciate the world when it seems like the only one alive. I want to go to places I've never been before, to walk along the shoreline and see that first glimpse of a sunrise, run across a field in the middle of a rainstorm with music pounding in my ears and throw myself down onto the grass and think of nothing. I want to feel that fire, that passion, that spirit that forges an unbreakable bond between every member of humanity , feel it so much that I can almost see it, a visible unbreakable force that can be stifled or concealed but can never, ever be broken. I want to be a *part* of something great, but I also want to *inspire* something great. I want to appreciate the true resilience of the human spirit and how amazing people are, how much people can go through, through things that beat them down again and again but don't break them, *never* break them completely. vi veri veniversum vivus vici. and most of all, *most of all* I want to create. build a work, build an idea, a world that inspires, that puts the same fire into people that this film plus countless other creative works inspires in me; I want to change things, strip down the rose from the tinted glasses and relish what it means to be alive. <br />I don't even know what I'm saying right now, but I've completely lost the ability to stay silent. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:foreseeable:2080 2006-09-15T01:29:52Z 2006-09-15T01:29:52Z the feeling//strange <i><br />holy hell I've forgotten how ridiculously tired I am after a few days at Thorpe. It's thought-provoking, though. That and events of the last couple-weeks or so have been forcing me to indulge in a lot of intense introspection and self examination.... thus causing me to think that whatever happens, it's going to be an interesting summer/next few months... and one that could shape quite a few future things. Hrm.</i>-- <lj-user twentyfourhours="twentyfourhours">, 22 may 2006.<br /><br /><br />I never realised just how prophetic those words would be. I'm a little tipsy right now so excuse any typos, but I'm in one of those moods when I must ramble and map out just what I'm thinmking, as there is so much swimming around in my mind right now. <br /><br />It's been such a weird summer; at the beginning, it was all normally good, I thought, but when I look back, I see how subliminally stressed out and depressed I was because of the ex-housemates, and it kills me that I didn't even realise it; I didn't even realise how much I was worrying the people who cared about me, how much I was jeapordising my chances of having a *good* summer then-- and also how much I was letting the ex-housemates get away with, it sickens me how long I let them get away with it, how little self-respect I had for myself; that I didn't have the strength to stand up and say "look, just cut the shit." I'd always second-guess myself, always shy from confrontation, always figure that at the end of the day, it was *me* causing the fuss, *me* causing the hassle, *me* "being silly", *me* destroying my current friendships and any chance I had at future ones.<br /><br />The housemate thing all went down at the end of June (and if you want the full story, get a damn livejournal, I'll friend you, and you can read it-- ) and one of the non-work related things that brought it into perspective for me was my mum asking me if I needed to "see someone" as a result of it. Go to counselling, therapy, whatever. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that I've never been open with *anyone* about anything along those lines, especially my family? The fact that my mum came to me and said straight out "if you need it, we'll get it for you" hit home with me, even if I didn't end up following that up. <br /><br />And in a way, I just hate that that whole episode made me so frigging fragile. That it made me question the motivations of everyone, absolutely *everyone*. Even when work people were just playing harmless jokes, *I* was the one who got overly upset, *I* was the one who spoiled it by walking off, *I* was the one that put a down colour on the day by being upset. I hate that I didn't see it coming, I hate that I took it so badly when it happened, and I hate that I'm still internally denying how badly I took it, still fooling myself that I'm getting past it okay. Or, maybe I am getting past it okay, and I'm being far too hard on myself...<br /><br /><br />The worst thing to lose, when you're utterly betrayed by an individual or a set of individuals, isn't, I believe, the trust in other people. Not by a goddamn longshot. It's the trust in your own self-perception that's more damaging when it's lost, as you don't trust any of your own decisions, it makes you question, it makes you second-guess *every* single thing you do. So, it doesn't only make you question your own actions, it also makes you think that it's your own fucking fault when things screw up, that it's something inherent in you that's made this event, these things go so fuckeringly wrong. <br /><br />It's also damaging because after a while of that belief pattern, you start to believe it in relation to more things. You start to believe it all the motherfucking time. You start to believe that there is something wrong with you, and relate that to everything you come across. It's so easy to become so paranoid and think that people are talking behind your back maliciously. To lose the ability to tell between a joke and maliciousness. And that is the thing that can be most damaging to not only your relationships with other people, but yourself.<br /><br />The reason why I love Thorpe Park, and why I stay at Thorpe Park, is not merely the mechanics of the job but the things that you learn about yourself whilst doing it, the lessons that one is forced to learn. The certain type of people that I've met in that job have inadvertantley turned me about-face to make me face certain things about me and not be afraid, *not* shy away of the person I am anymore. To maybe, maybe go those baby-steps towards trusting people again. I've learned so much about different, valid ways to react to things, and ways to handle high-pressure situations. I've gained so much confidence. <br /><br />Hell, I passed my *driving test* (!!!) yesterday, and I sure as hell didn't have the concentration, the confidence or the self-esteem to pass that three months ago, as was shown by the other times that I (narrowly) failed it. <br /><br />I love the diverse section of people that I'm faced with, as well- how I'm forced to confront my own perceptions of stereotypes time and time again and forced to reassess constantly how I think of people. I think one of the most dangeerous things that the human race can inadvertantly do is be stuck in their own thinking, to be inflexible to new ideas. Whilst it's good to have courage in one's own convictions, it's dangerous to not be open to new opinions, as it's this inflexibility that feeds the prejudice that so many people have to needlessly fight against. That's part of the reason why I want to write; I want to break down people's preconcieved convictions and make them think twice about things that matter. (and I have a love affair with the semicolon, ha)<br /><br /><br />Maybe one of the mistakes I'm making is thinking that I know it all. Thinking that I'm *there*, I've got things figured out, when I definitely know I haven't. I'm reminded of this by meeting people that have things *so* much more sussed out than me, *so* much more confident and cool with who they are and who they can be, and maybe I'm a little envious of them?<br /><br />Then again, other thoughts give me pause when I'm going down the choo-choo train of utter self-doubt. I keep thinking about how I was one year, two years, five years ago; and how much more *terrified* of things I was. Hell, half of it is documented in this and my other livejournal- how scared of people I was, how unwilling I was to reach out and talk to anybody, how I assumed that people would immediately make a negative comment about me, or have a negative thought. How I hid behind my ipod and my solitude, not talking to anyone in case they tried to crack through my shell first. Being supiscious of <i>everybody,</i> as I thought that if I took that attitude I could never be caught out, never be disapopinted by people. In a way, I was wrong about that; but also, retrospectively, in an utter mindfuckingly strange way, I was fucking glad I was wrong about that. <br /><br />I don't want to live my life modulated by caution, always letting the high-points pass me by and avoiding them in fear of being caught in a trap and inevitably plummeting towards the lows. I need to accept that the lows will exist anyway; that there's no magic formula to completely avoid them, that yeah, I *can* be scared, but if I close my eyes and feel the wind on my face as life heads into freefall, then I can have faith that it will start that ever-slow clackety clackety climb towards the top again. Cliche cliche, everything can be compared to a rollercoaster. Ha, let's hope it's not as rough as Colossus. *snicker*<br /><br />Anyway, if I've grown- mentally, you fools- *this* much in the past few years, then I have a hell of a lot of awesomeness ahead of me. If I'm starting to head on the baby-step way to being happier, to truly being self-confident and friendly and actually *believing* I'm loved, then the fact that I'm on this journey already is a huge statement to how I'm progressing. <br /><br />I want to get to the point where I can believe in myself, and whilst I don't *fully* believe in myself *yet*, I can see myself getting to that point, it doesn't seem completely insurmountable anymore. I *can* do it. I just have to, also, believe that I can get to that point (if that's making sense, it's fucking crazy-oclock in the morning and my sentence structure is slipping like all hell)<br /><br />This is somehow a fitting end to the entity that was "Nemesis Area", the group of people that, somehow inadvertantly, taught me so much about not only the human race in general, but also myself. burn baby burn. <br /><br />In despite of everything, and feeling fairly upset earlier tonight, I still feel an incredible amount of love for the general universe right now. It's comforting. <br /><br />I *know* I can get to that point where I believe in myself. Someone who I really respect told me that's what I need to do, and I *will* do it. I can do it. Maybe realising that is half the battle. <br /><br /><br />Guess it's time to see what the future will bring, huh? Love to all.